Archive for the ‘joke’ Category

@RT_com The Black propaganda begins

May 31, 2015

I don’t know, where this originated but it’s still apposite:

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says:
“I have two questions”
“Why did Russia take Crimea?
And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?”
Putin says “Good questions” But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says:
“I have Four questions”
“My Questions are –
Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?
Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?
And Where is Sasha?”

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SEX AT 75

February 10, 2015

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 75.
I’m so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it’s the same side of the street.
I don’t even have to cross the road!

THE IRISH DIET

February 10, 2015

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat
regularly again for 2 days then skip a day …. And repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds.’

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor
by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

‘That’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’

The Irishman nodded: I did. ‘I’ll tell you what though, I taut I were going to
drop dead on dat tird day.’

‘You mean from the hunger?’ asked the doctor.

No from the fecking skipping

Happily Married

February 10, 2015

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Prying his eyelids apart, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make You your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 a.m., pissed out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. All in all, one hell of a performance Dad.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replies, “Oh THAT… Aparently, mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed….

“Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

 

First Drink.

February 10, 2015

****** FIRST DRINK ******

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters.

He didn’t like it – I had it.

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like it, I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.