Men and women are different (plus bastardised printed version)

Written in response to a whinging column by Vanessa Feltz , in The Daily Express, about why men aren’t women, with the bastardised printed version below it:

Girls play house and tea-parties. Boys play fighting and running games.

Women do housework, because they want to. Men don’t, because they aren’t obsessed by it.

A woman will change clothes twice or more a day. A man will change clothes twice a week, if pushed.

A woman will spot a piece of lint on the carpet, at twenty yards and she will rush for the vacuum cleaner, before another woman sees it.

A man will vacuum, when he stands on something that hurts his bare foot. He will, if he is single, be careful to avoid a neat and tidy carpet, for fear his mates think he is turning and shun him.

A woman will spend a whole day looking for new shoes and only wear them once.

A man will spend a whole ten minutes before settling on a pair of shoes that he will wear until they are beyond repair.

A woman will throw a single tea towel in the washing machine.

A man waits until he has a big enough load to drag down to the laundrette, where the machine’s have simple instructions printed on them.

If he has a washing machine, at home, it’s in case a woman stops over/ moves in.

A woman buys curtains to make the window look pretty (like the house that her dollies had).

A man has curtains to shut out the light or to keep heat in.

A woman will cram everything in a cupboard and spend hours searching for it, when she needs it.

A man will leave whatever he has used, wherever he has used it, in the certain knowledge that the next time he wishes to use it, it will be where he will want to use it. E.g. toe nail clippers will be somewhere within easy reach of his couch, as will the TV remote and a drink.

A woman will dress up to watch TV, in case she has visitors.

A man will strip down to the minimum, so he can scratch, where necessary.

He doesn’t get naked, in case he gets visitors. His trousers will be on the route between the couch and the door.

A woman will wash, dry and put away dishes, as soon as they have been used, wasting hot water, soap and effort.

Men will stack dirty dishes until it’s worth the effort. They are more efficient and more eco-friendly.

Women may re-cycle, but only after thoroughly washing and cleaning tin-cans, wasting resources in the process.

A man knows that the damn things have to go in a furnace, where the odd baked bin will be incinerated.

A woman will pollute the planet with sprays of toxic chemicals in order to mask natural smells.

A man will welcome the smells as being readily identifiable information about his environment.

A man can thus identify and locate the dead mouse behind the couch, weeks before a woman.

A woman only cleans behind the couch once a year (out of sight, out of mind).

A man cleans behind the couch, whenever he smells a dead mouse, or can’t find his other sock.

To a woman, a man is a slob.

Bastardised printed version

“VANESSA Feltz accuses men of being lazy around the house. I disagree. Women do housework because they want to. Men don’t because they aren’t obsessed by it. A woman will spot a piece of lint on the carpet at 20 yards and she will rush for the vacuum cleaner. A man will vacuum but only when he stands on something that hurts his bare foot. A woman will wash, dry and put away dishes as soon as they have been used, wasting hot water, soap and effort. Men will stack dirty dishes until it’s worth the effort to wash them. Lazy? No, just sensible.”

To a man, a woman is a fuss-pot, obsessed by what other women might say behind her back.

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